Thursday, April 16, 2009

and we fall heavy tongued, loosing our center

i have lost the ability to talk.

i just simply feel like i've been saying the same things, and getting the same answers. the stimulus from discussion has always been lacking. its hard to get into a discussion of form conventions in comic books, or some obscure Redd Foxx joke in bars. and when i do go there it becomes a rant, and i feel like i'm entertaining people instead of having a dialogue. 
(get out the tissue.)
but seriously, the art clowning days are just too fucking fake. i do not feel a real sense of community. we are all stuck in our own heads. or we are blowing smoke, discussing projects we are never going to finish, or whining about the latest perceived slight. just fucking weak minded, and petty. so i have stopped talking. most of my friends have not even noticed. some have, and wonder why. i feel slightly guilty cuz i do not have a concrete answer, and how asshole-ee would you be if you were just like,  "hey i'm waiting for something." some magic to break off into my ass. and its not like i'm not busy and productive. i am. most of my adult life has been just that. and there some cool collaborations on the h
orizon. but i feel foolish, and lonely. the greatest joy as an artist is the process, but there is no critical outlet to discuss process. and results are not looked at and discussed either. its as if we spend most of our time not being amazed by how much beauty exists, and how wonderful it is to be alive now. 

that wonder that children have. i want that. i want to marvel, and be amazed by what my people say and do and are. but fear obscures our achievements, fear pollutes our discussions. we become monologues without speaking. we become jaded along our day to day. Jouvert, a five yr old sweetheart that i've watched grow up (my friend Amy's kid) says on the tape i'm making -

"your turn, your turn. your turn, your turn."
there it is. the babies know, and we fall heavy tongued, loosing our center.
i won't let you down Jouvert, Uncle Feeqy won't let you down.

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