Thursday, March 19, 2009

minute minutia + why can't i pick fucker!

i've been busy the last few days. busy is not something that i actually despise per se, but this kind of busy is based on the needs of more than I. a difficult concept for the individual. when i was a boy, there was an intense lonely, not like i was left in some trailer park for dead, but just a certain aloneness that i remember was very potent. it remains my strongest memory of my childhood. hours and hours of playing alone.

hours of literally not being interacted with. free to not engage in reality, my imaginary life was rich with characters, and animated toys, stuffed animals, action figures etc. 
it wasn't until my mother got hitched again did i realize what i had actually been given. that time alone had fostered an ability to focus intensely for long periods of time on my own agenda. there was no one to share toys, or space with- by the time my siblings were born- i was a very private person. i felt that if you could not gleam what i was up to, then you were probably stupid, and did not deserve my time. i still feel that. but i'm trying to do better.

what the fuck am i trying to say? focus, damn you. the flood of what i wish to say versus the skill to say it. 

so i'm trying this new you tube feature on my sidebar. if you refresh the page a few times, it will show featured videos from my you tube channel. i cant figure out why you tube insists on looping between its own picked content and my channel- something is fucked in the coding of the application, but alas.

L dookie let me use her exercise bike, so i could petal why watching basketball. i rode it last night, excellent - i couldn't even tell i was actually exercising. watch basketball while riding stationary- it just may work. 

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